Some time ago, I read a book by one of my favorite authors, Jennie Allen, “Anything.”
When I say some time, I’m taking a period of several years ago. I finished that book feeling unsettled.
In summary, Allen prays a prayer of absolute abandonment to God; her point being that His higher calling can absolutely wreck our comfortable lives in true radical surrender.
“Suffering affects my life for eternity in a positive way. I’ve never lived that way. I’ve lived trying to fix everything hurting in me with counseling and a good latte. And while none of that is bad, it never fully worked. I still hurt. What I wasn’t told is that it is supposed to hurt. War isn’t supposed to feel easy and comfortable and happy.” (104)
So Allen prays the prayer of “anything,” that God can do and take absolutely anything from and in her life.
I finished this book feeling uncomfortable, wondering “what’s my ‘anything,’” and wanting to be at a place where my faith was so strong I was ready to pray that prayer, but knowing full well I was not there. I was feeling comfortable.
Life was comfortable; I mean, difficult as a mom with littles, but that’s exactly why I didn’t want to rock the boat.
A prayer like that scared me.
Fast forward to present day.
Present day; waking up in what feels like day after day of unending heartbreak; a future where I cannot make out a horizon and the struggle making it to day’s end is sufficient. And turn to present day; or rather, a few days ago, Oswald Chambers classic “My Utmost for His Highest” entry for the day, discussing that “ye are not your own”— as we seek the Lord, learn to trust Him and find fulfillment and dependence in His presence, He’s refining is not for us— but for the purposes of His redemptive work. The end of the entry I will share here:
“Why shouldn’t we go through heartbreaks? Through these doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God’s purpose and die away of self-pity, and so called Christian sympathy will aid us in our death bed. But God will not.
He comes with the pierced Hand of His Son, and says— ‘Enter into fellowship with me, arise and shine.’
If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in this world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.”
Thank Him for breaking my heart...
I keep reading that.
I’m working on it, in accordance with 1 Thessalonians 5:18 instructing us to “give thanks in all circumstances”— at the beginning of the year, I printed out this verse and it’s at present next to my bed— it’s not a suggestion, this giving thanks, but an instruction.
I never did pray that prayer, the prayer of “Anything.” I did have a very real conversation with God telling Him that I’d like to have the faith to pray that prayer, but that I just wasn’t there yet... that was maybe two years ago. I don’t know, maybe He thought I was ready. But that doesn’t matter. The point is— “anything” will come, whether we pray for it or not, because we live in a world with suffering and uncertainty and we will encounter hard times. Heartbreak that rocks us to our core, even.
But there is a righteous right nail-pierced hand to reach down and uphold you, a voice calling you to “arise and shine,” and One who goes before you, holds the future, and walks with you.
“Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6